TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of place. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have Yet another location exactly where American Adult men can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: give Anyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he should really prevent using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Great tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit Trump Tower Damascus revealed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Place, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Occur"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will also involve:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel in which my PTSD might have turn-down services."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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